Parents, when faced with children with depression, it is best not to pay "too much" attention

Most parents feel very anxious when faced with a child suffering from depression, and are accompanied by a strong sense of anxiety. Often the child's condition has not worsened, but the parents are confused and at a loss.

In fact, when a child gets sick, parents originally provided support for their child, but now the parents themselves are very anxious and constantly transmit pressure. This is not only unfavorable to the child's recovery, but also causes the child to feel that they are "sinful" and aggravates their low self-esteem, self-blame, and guilt.

The following sharing is an analysis and discussion of this phenomenon.

Parents' excessive worry and worry about their children is essentially a fear of their children's future, and is a manifestation of putting their children's academic performance ahead of their physical and mental happiness.

This kind of excessive attention has no benefit except increasing the psychological burden on the child. Helping children address the source of their illnesses and providing them with a good family atmosphere are the responsibilities and responsibilities that parents should have. 　　

I want to talk about the parent-child relationship.

Among the many parent-child relationship issues, the ones that cause us the most headaches and confusion are: The child is obviously sick, but he doesn't take medicine, doesn't ask for help, and doesn't take the initiative to help himself. The parents are as anxious as ants on a hot pot, and they are confused.

Enforcement measures are needed at critical moments

For children with acute attacks, our advice is usually to send the child to a doctor and receive a scientific and systematic treatment plan. When symptoms come, taking medicine is the first choice.

If at this time, we keep telling our parents: "You have to change!" Children are our mirrors. ”, not allowing the child to seek medical treatment may delay the condition, or even cause the child to self-harm or commit suicide.

Because it takes time for parents to change, and it cannot be changed in one or two sentences, and when a child's illness attacks, he simply cannot wait. Therefore, at critical moments, coercive measures are completely necessary.

Some people will say, no, the children will hate us.

Yes, I believe that before the children recover and before they can accept that they have depression, if you send them to the hospital, they may not accept it.

But, dear, the child is a patient now! He already has cognitive problems, and he can no longer control his emotions. Even if he hates us, he still needs to seek medical treatment first to control his symptoms.

I believe that when they truly recover, they will understand that their parents are forced to do this because of love.

Are we willing to temporarily tolerate the child's misunderstanding and rescue the child in time, or are we willing to allow the child to continue to suffer and delay the condition? People who have studied the three-body brain theory should know that when emotions come and the emotional brain takes the lead, the intelligent brain is blocked and becomes ineffective. In other words, the IQ is zero.   

If you go to tell them a big truth at this time, "You should...", or go to a psychological counselor at this time, it will have no effect.

Of course, if you find a qualified psychological counselor, such as a mature tutor in the Jiankuai system, they will deal with the child's emotions first and then deal with the incident - the EQ-type high emotional intelligence method of handling emotions. Such psychological counselors are trustworthy.

The most fearful thing is that unqualified psychological counselors only look at benefits but do not follow the operating rules of the brain. They talk about things and theories without dealing with children's emotions. As a result, children can only hate psychological counseling and thus reject all psychological counseling.

Here, I implore the psychological counselors who read my article to please be responsible for their children, especially children with depression. When children have a severe attack, they must be advised to seek medical treatment promptly and not to be greedy for money. The money earned in this way will harm your blessings.

Parental anxiety affects children

A mother in my circle of friends asked for help: "Teacher, for nearly four months, my child has not accepted us. Recently, the confrontation has not been so strong. Since joining the group, we have basically stopped talking to her. So how can we open this breakthrough?" I didn't dare to ask her whether she was suspending her studies or dropping out, for fear that she would get entangled in the topic of studying and aggravate her condition. ”

My answer was succinct: “Give yourself time and accept your child. Don’t mention study, health comes first. Without health, everything is zero. What do you care about is her study? Or healthy? Or is it your face? If you don't accept it, she can feel it. ”

As the teacher said: "Parents used to provide support for their children, but now parents themselves are also very anxious and constantly spreading pressure. ”

The mother asked: “Teacher, can you discuss with her about going to the hospital for treatment? I used to say that she was stimulated, but I always waited for her to heal on her own. When will it take effect? Watching her walking around anxiously every day, not daring to do or say anything, just waiting, made me very anxious. ”

I said: "Change yourself first. Respect her. ”

Mom said: “We are doing all of this now. ”

I said: "That's because there is not enough time, not enough done, can't be anxious, let go of the anxiety. Your anxiety is her stress. ”

Mom said: "What about her? Should I let her go? Give her space, give her freedom, and do nothing else? ”　　

To be honest, when I saw the word "laissez-faire", I got a little choked up.

Only family members who have been with Yu You understand how much endurance it takes to endure the negative energy that exists all the time, the kind of fearful and dark days all day long. I also understand that what this mother said was angry and mindless.

However, from this sentence, especially the word "indulgence", my interpretation is: we have made mistakes or even committed crimes when we have depression. We should not have depression. We have it ourselves.

My response to her was, “She needs to decompress. She needs respect, not indulgence. Your words reveal that you don't accept it. She can feel that you don't accept her. No matter what she is, love her and accept her for who she is, but you failed to do that. Your words are full of judgment. Your mentality needs to be revised. ”　　

This mother replied to me: "Thank you teacher, I am savoring your words carefully. ”

Many times, parents do not accept their children's temporary regression, which aggravates their anxiety, and the anxiety will extend to their children. If parents were less anxious, perhaps they wouldn't be passing on as much stress. 　　

Let go of excessive attention and let nature take its course.

After a while, I received another message from this mother asking for help: “Teacher, if the clouds clear and the moon shines, I’m a little excited today! The child took a nap in our bedroom after lunch today. This is a sign that the child has begun to accept us! ”

In my busy schedule, I didn't have time to interact, so I just sent pictures of very happy expressions.

When children are sick, especially children with depression, they already have very low self-esteem, self-blame, and guilt. At this time, if parents pay too much attention or even become anxious, the children will feel that they are "extremely guilty."” , aggravating their inferiority, self-blame, and guilt.

In fact, why do parents focus on “excess”? This is because they worry too much about their children's future and live in fear of their children's future. They are afraid that their children will have no future, and they put learning before physical and mental happiness. They lack confidence in themselves and their children, instead of respecting the fact that their children are sick and accompanying their children towards recovery with a normal heart.

There are also some parents who cannot face the current situation of their children. They feel that they have failed as parents, that they are losing face, and that their children are not living up to expectations and have no future. Such a mentality conveys to children a greater sense of powerlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness. 　　

As I have said to many people: "If you are sick, you are sick. If you eat whole grains, how can you not get sick?" What's there to be ashamed of? The difference is that others have visible diseases, but we have invisible diseases. It’s no big deal to treat your illness! ”

What does it mean to let nature take its course and do what you should do? It means respecting the fact of getting sick, accepting this fact unconditionally, and then doing what you want to do, what you can do, and what you should do.

Dear parents, when faced with children with psychological problems and children who do not know how to ask for help, Learn to let go of excessive attention, learn to grow yourself, and learn to love yourself. Let yourself be yourself and let your children be children.

Helping children address the source of their illnesses and providing them with a good family atmosphere, or "feng shui," is our responsibility as parents. 　　

(The article comes from the "Youlai Psychology" public account, follow it to get more popular science. )