Emotional Regulation Tips

There is no universal emotion regulation trick that is suitable for everyone. All truly effective methods cannot escape the underlying logic of "first catching emotions without judging, then solving specific problems without escaping, and finally reviewing reaction patterns without internal friction." To be effective, you have to find a method that suits your personality and the current situation.

It’s interesting to say that I learned no less than ten emotion regulation methods from the Internet in the past two years, and I got into more pitfalls than useful ones. What impressed me most was the last time my boss told me to go back to the plan that I had worked on for three days. At that time, I was sitting at my work station with blood rushing to my head. I remembered the "478 Breathing Technique" taught online and followed it. As a result, the deeper I took a breath, the more aggrieved I felt, and I almost cried in front of the whole group. Only later did I understand that the methods of different schools correspond to different states, and using them blindly will only be counterproductive.

For example, most of the most widely spread methods now come from the cognitive behavioral school. The core logic is that "emotion is not determined by the event itself, but by your interpretation of the event." To put it bluntly, don't label things as extreme. When I was working on a project before, I missed a small requirement from a client. My first reaction was "Why am I so stupid? Now the project is failing and I will be fired." The more I thought about it, the more panicked I became. Later, I forced myself to take a note and write three parts: The fact is that I missed the requirement, and the impact was that it would take two more days to adjust. Past experience is that I had zero mistakes in the previous three projects. This time, I was interrupted and distracted by three meetings when I was rushing to the deadline. After writing those few lines, my heart hanging in my throat fell directly into my stomach. Of course, many people complained about this method, saying, "When I get emotional, my mind goes blank and I can't analyze rationally. Are you not making things difficult for me by asking me to change my mind?" ”

This happens to be what the humanist school objects to the most - they feel that forcing themselves to "think more" is a secondary harm to their emotions. The core of the humanistic school is that "there are no right or wrong emotions, accept it first before talking about anything else." It is useless to force yourself to "don't be sad and the next one will be better" when you are broken up. It is useless to force yourself to "forget it and don't care about it" when you have been cheated. On the contrary, the more you stress, the stronger the rebound will be. My sister was two points short of taking the re-examination for the postgraduate entrance exam last year. She hid in her room and cried. My mother went in and persuaded her for half an hour, "It's not a big deal to take the exam again next year." But she became even more depressed. I went in and sat next to her and handed her a tissue. I listened to her scolding the teacher for missing the question for half an hour and scolding herself for being fishy in the last two months. She even felt thirsty. I usually use this method the most. When I get emotional, I don’t need to suppress it. I just say silently in my mind, “Oh, I’m angry now because the other person failed to make a date that I’ve been looking forward to for a long time. It’s normal to be angry.” It’s such a simple emotion label, the intensity of anger. It can be reduced by half. The last time my partner worked overtime and missed a concert appointment, I was so angry that my hands were shaking in the subway station. I silently recited these words three times. When he sent me an apology message and a link to redeem my tickets for the two music festivals, I immediately calmed down. Before, I would have been in a cold war for a long time.

There is another group that is more practical and belongs to the practical group that prefers behavioral activation. They think that no matter how much you want, you might as well do it twice. I have a friend who does psychological counseling. When a client says he is so depressed that he can't get out of bed, he never says, "You need to cheer up." He only says, "Can you sit up first, put your feet on the ground, and take a sip of water?" With such a small gesture, after doing it, the feeling of "I can't do anything" out of control will be much less. When I am so anxious that I can't write a plan, I won't sit at my desk and work hard. I will either run downstairs twice, wipe the table clean, or go to the convenience store downstairs to buy a popsicle to chew on. Of course, there is controversy here. Many people say, "Don't make decisions or do things when you're in a bad mood." But from my own experience, lying around and thinking, "I'm done, I can't do anything" is much more internally destructive than "do something first, even if it fails."

Nowadays, it is always said on the Internet that "emotional stability is the best match for adults." However, in fact, there have been different opinions in the academic circles. Many researchers believe that deliberately pursuing emotional stability is the source of emotional internal friction. I used to have a colleague who was always good-tempered and always agreed to help anyone who asked for her help. Last time, because the wrong meal was delivered, she suddenly got angry at the front desk. The whole company was shocked. Later, I found out that she had been working overtime for three consecutive months, and her parents were urging her to get married every day. She had saved up her emotions for several months and had no place to go, and it just happened because of one meal. You see, forcing yourself to suppress your emotions is not regulating at all, it is storing up bombs.

In fact, to put it bluntly, emotional regulation is never a competition of "getting your emotions". You don't have to force yourself to use the method to become happy immediately. You are a living person, and it is normal to be happy, sad, and angry. Find a way to let your emotions go in a way that makes you comfortable. Don't let it get stuck and delay you from doing things. That's enough. To this day, I still emo for a long time because of trivial matters, and I don't force myself to get better immediately. I just watch half an episode of cartoons, eat a popsicle, and slowly get over it. The best trick is the one that suits you.