Children’s mental health content

Emotional awareness that can accurately perceive and reasonably express emotions, social adaptability that can adapt to different environments and handle interpersonal conflicts, a stable self-worth identity based on self-acceptance, and psychological toughness that can quickly recover after encountering setbacks. There is no unified evaluation standard that applies to all children.

A while ago I met a first-grade parent who came to me for consultation. The first thing he said was, "My child is very well-behaved. He must not have any psychological problems, right?" After careful questioning, I found out that her child seldom smiled when he passed the double hundred test. He usually chewed his nails until his knuckles bled. He didn't dare to say anything when his classmates robbed him of stationery. He hid in the toilet and cried when he got home. She always thought it was "introverted and sensible" until the teacher said that the child could not even raise his hand to speak at school until his whole body was shaking, and she felt something was wrong.

Don’t think that “not crying or making trouble means you are mentally healthy.” Regarding emotional expression, counselors of different schools do have different opinions: those with a psychoanalytic orientation will say that those “don’t cry” and “stop making trouble” that are suppressed by adults will become small pimples in the child’s subconscious. If they accumulate too much, they may turn into physical symptoms such as nail biting and bedwetting. If you have a physical reaction, you have to wait until puberty to burst out all of a sudden; counselors from the behavioral school are more pragmatic and will not talk too much about childhood trauma with you. They will directly teach you to put up an emotional wall for your child at home. Happiness is a yellow sun, grievance is a blue raindrop, and anger is a red flame. Let him call out what his emotions are first, which is much more useful than forcing him to be "sensible". To be honest, I have seen too many "good kids" suddenly get tired of studying and become depressed when they reach middle school. The root cause is that they never learned how to express their emotions properly when they were young.

When I was leading a summer camp last month, I met an 8-year-old boy who actually had very strong hands-on skills. He could build Lego faster than the other kids in the same group. But as soon as his teammates said, "You're not building it right," he would push all the blocks away on the spot and squat on the side crying, saying, "I'm a waste." Later, when I talked with his mother, I found out that the family always praises the child by saying, "You are the best in the world." If he does not do well, he will say, "Why can't you do such a small thing well?" The child's self-evaluation is completely tied to the evaluation of others, and he cannot accept any objections.

Nowadays, there is a big controversy about how to praise children: the older generation always said, "Don't praise too much, you will be proud." Now many young parents have gone to the other extreme, saying "Baby, you are the best." In fact, research has been done in the field of positive psychology for a long time. Vacant praise will destroy the child's sense of self-worth. It is better to praise specific behaviors - for example, instead of saying "You are great at building blocks," say "You tried three different support methods to stabilize the blocks just now. You really know how to find a way." After all, children will have to go out into the outside world sooner or later, and others will not always follow what they say. A stable self-identity is never "I will always be the best", but "Even if I don't do this well, I am still a good child."

Last year, I received a consultation about getting promoted from primary school to junior high school. My child was always ranked first in the class when he was in primary school. When he entered a key middle school, he ranked 23rd in the class for the first time in the monthly exam. He just hid at home and refused to go to school, saying, "I am too embarrassed, everyone is laughing at me." Many parents always think that "as long as their grades are good," in fact, social adaptability and resilience are the core for children to go far. There are many opinions on how to cultivate frustration resistance: some people say that children should be given "frustration education" and deliberately find some hardships for children. Others say that children should be given enough love and they should not be allowed to suffer any grievances. Those of us who provide consultation generally do not go to these two extremes. There is a concept in developmental psychology called the "zone of proximal development." To put it bluntly, the difficulties given to the child should be just within the child's reach, such as the first time he buys something by himself, the first time he negotiates with his friends on how to divide toys, instead of just throwing a child who can't swim into the water. That's not called frustration education, it's called intentional harm. And to be honest, children's resilience is never taught, it's copied from their parents' homework - whether you cursed or took a detour when you were stuck in traffic, whether you threw things when you went home or found a way to mend a hole when criticized by your boss, children will see it and remember it in their hearts.

In the eight years I have been working as a child consultant, the most common scene I have encountered is that parents use the "Children's Mental Health Standards" on the Internet to check their children one by one, and they panic when they touch it. One moment they are worried that it is ADHD, and the next moment they are worried that it is autism. In fact, there is really no need. There is no uniform scale for children's mental health. Just like you can't ask all flowers to bloom in spring. Some children are sensitive and slow to warm up, and some children are carefree. As long as they dare to cry when they are sad and laugh when they are happy, they know how to ask adults for help when they encounter problems that cannot be solved, and they can find ways to make peace with their friends when they have troubles. Even if they are a little emotional and rebellious occasionally, it is the most healthy thing.

After all, we are raising living children, not standard products on the assembly line.