Children's Mental Health Guide

The core criterion for children's mental health is never "never crying, always cheerful and obedient", but the ability to recognize emotions, the willingness to reasonably express needs, and moderate resilience； Among them, family support is the first core element that affects children's mental health, and school intervention and professional diagnosis and treatment are supplementary means.

Last week, a third-grade boy came to the consulting room. His mother dragged him in. He complained as soon as he sat down, saying that the child had been tearing up his homework books recently and deliberately throwing pencil ends to talk in class. The teacher went to see him three times. He suspected ADHD and asked if he should prescribe some medicine. I invited the mother out to talk to the child alone. After ten minutes of chatting, he picked at the corner of his clothes and said that his parents had been sleeping in separate rooms recently and didn't say a word at home. Only when he got into trouble would the two of them get together and scold him. "It's okay even if they scold me, at least they are talking to me together."

To be honest, in the seven years I have been working as a child consultant, I have met too many parents who regard "whether the child is good or not" as the criterion for mental health. Many people even think that "children have nothing to worry about, as long as they are well fed and clothed." Interestingly, the academic debate on child psychological intervention has actually been going on for decades: Psychoanalytically oriented counselors mostly agree with Winnicott's concept of "good enough mother" and feel that they do not need to force themselves to be perfect parents. When the child is in a mood, don't stop it immediately, hold him until he finishes crying, and let him know that negative emotions are acceptable. This is more useful than telling ten general principles. ； Researchers with a behaviorist orientation put more emphasis on positive reinforcement, believing that children should be given timely feedback when they behave in a reasonable way to express emotions. For example, when a child says "I'm angry," his expression must be affirmed. If he lies on the floor and asks for toys, he must not be satisfied. Otherwise, it will strengthen his behavior of using extreme ways to express needs. There is no difference between the two views. They are just suitable for different scenarios: If the child is upset because he is wronged and dare not speak out, a hug is better than anything else. ； If he made it clear that he wanted something, it would be more efficient to use behaviorism to set rules.

Last year, I went to the primary school in my area for an autumn psychological screening. I met a little girl in fifth grade who ranked first in every subject and was what the teacher called a "perfect student." When filling out the SDQ (Strengths and Difficulties Questionnaire, a standardized tool now used in routine psychological screening in most primary schools in China), she checked the question "I often feel that life is meaningless." Later, when we talked alone, we found out that she had been secretly scratching her arms with the tip of a compass since she was in second grade. "My mother didn't talk to me for three days when I got second place in the exam last time. If I didn't take the first place, they wouldn't love me anymore." Many people don’t know that the current common psychological assessment tools for children, whether it is the SDQ or the CBCL Child Behavior Scale, include several dimensions such as emotional symptoms, peer interactions, and prosocial behavior. “Good grades” and “obedience” are never regarded as signs of health. A child's emotions are like a summer thunderstorm. You always want to plug it with soil. If too much water accumulates, sooner or later the embankment will burst. If you dig a small drainage ditch for him, he will flow away smoothly.

I often tell parents who come to me for consultation that instead of memorizing complicated educational theories, just change the opening remarks at the dinner table. Don’t just ask, “How many points did you get on the test today?” “Have you been criticized by the teacher?” Ask more, “Is there anything that made you particularly happy today? ”“Have you suffered any grievances? ”. One mother actually followed her instructions for three months. She used to be unable to speak more than ten words a day to her child. Now her child chatters non-stop when he sees her after school. The last time his deskmate snatched his comic book, he dared to go home and tell her about it. Before, she would only scold her child, "Why are you so useless? You won't take it back." If the child held it in for a long time, he would just wander away in class and cry secretly.

There are a lot of controversies about parenting on the Internet right now. Some people say that we should have a happy education and not even say harsh words. Some people say that "a filial son will emerge from under the stick." If you need to be beaten, you should be beaten. In fact, the academic community has long had clear research conclusions: occasional criticism that is inappropriate, such as telling a child, "You broke your classmate's toy and did not apologize today. This behavior is wrong." will not harm the child's mental health at all, and can even help him establish a sense of boundaries. ； But if children are constantly subjected to personal attacks such as "Why are you so stupid?" "How did I give birth to such a thing like you?" or frequent corporal punishment, the child will be more than three times more likely to develop anxiety and depression as an adult than ordinary children. This is a conclusion that has been verified by dozens of long-term follow-up studies. There is nothing to argue with.

In our industry, it is often said that "children are the barometer of the family." Many times when a child has a problem, it is essentially a problem with the family's interaction model. The child is just the first person to show symptoms. The little boy who tore up his homework last week came for a follow-up consultation and said that although his parents decided to separate, they promised him to eat hot pot with him every Wednesday. Now he will never tear up his homework again, and he has recently become a disciplinary committee member of the group. You see, children really don’t have high requirements. If you are willing to see his emotions and accept his uneasiness, he will naturally grow up to be healthy.