ABCs of Emotion Regulation

All the overwhelming anger, grievance, and anxiety you are feeling now are never caused by a specific thing. The real trigger is your inherent belief in this matter. This is the core conclusion of the ABC framework of emotional regulation, without any twists and turns.

This framework was first proposed by psychologist Albert Ellis in the 1960s and is a core tool of rational emotive behavior therapy. It is now the most popular introductory adjustment method in clinical psychological counseling. When I first receive a case, this is the first thing I teach my clients. It does not require any psychological foundation. Just follow it and it will be effective. I have made my own statistics and found that at least 70% of people who use it for the first time can feel emotional relaxation.

To put it bluntly, the three letters correspond to something very simple: A is the triggering event that is happening, that is, the bad thing that you think "hurt me"； B is your belief and judgment about this matter. It is the inherent knowledge you have accumulated since childhood. Many times you yourself are not aware of its existence. ； C is your current emotion and the behavioral response you will do next.

Last month, a young girl who just graduated came to me and said that she was going to be depressed. She worked overtime for three consecutive days to finish the project, and skipped work for half an hour to rush to see the band tour she had been looking forward to for half a year. Only when she arrived at the venue did she get a notice that the lead singer had a high fever and the performance was temporarily postponed. She squatted on the roadside and cried on the spot. She even had the idea of ​​​​resigning, saying, "Why am I so unlucky? Nothing good can happen to me. Life is meaningless at all."

You see, in the eyes of most people, it must have been the "concert postponement" thing that caused her to collapse, right? That is, A directly causes C. But following the logic of ABC, the key is the B hidden in the middle: She has always held two beliefs subconsciously, "I have sacrificed so much for my work, so I deserve to be rewarded with a concert", and "As long as I don't do anything wrong, I shouldn't encounter accidents."

I didn't tell her not to be sad, so I asked her to take out her phone and write down all the random thoughts that came to her mind in a memo. She didn't write more than two lines before she laughed to herself and said, "Oh, that's right. When my fever reached 39 degrees last week, I canceled the hot pot appointment with my friend. The lead singer didn't want to get sick." She didn't go home directly that day. Instead, she went to a handicraft store where she had been growing for a long time. She also won a limited-edition ceramic kitty cup. She told me when she got home that she was happier than going to a concert.

But to be honest, I would never tell anyone that ABC is a panacea for regulating emotions. My friends who are behavioral activation counselors always argue with me, saying that you are talking about adjusting your beliefs with those people who are so emo that they can’t even get out of bed. You can just stand and talk without back pain. For these people, the right way is to stop holding on to B and start moving to change C. Even if you get up to drink a glass of ice water, go to the window and bask in the sun for two minutes, it will only be useful to talk about adjusting your beliefs after the emotional peak has subsided.

Mindfulness teachers also have different views: Many inherent beliefs are rooted in childhood. How can they be changed by simply changing them? Judging your own beliefs as “wrong” or “too extreme” from the very beginning will only put an extra layer of pressure on yourself. It is better to accept the current C first. You are angry or wronged. There is nothing wrong with that. When the anger has passed, you can then look back to see if your B is reasonable, which will make it easier to loosen.

I had it happen to me a while ago. The day before the deadline for an industry report, my computer suddenly had a blue screen. I didn’t even have a backup of the files I had been writing for three days. At that time, blood rushed to the top of my head, and I even raised the keyboard. The first thought in my mind was "Why am I so useless? I even forgot to back up. Am I not worthy of eating this bowl of rice at all?"

Fortunately, I reacted instantly, oh, my current B is "I must do all the work perfectly, if there is a slight mistake, it means that I am not capable." Isn't this nonsense? I put the keyboard on the table, went downstairs and bought my favorite sea salt popsicle to chew on. After chewing it, I called my technical friend, and it took him half an hour to restore all the files. If I had followed the B of "I am useless", I would have spent the entire night in emo mode and would have failed to hand in the report.

Of course, don’t regard this framework as a rule that you must abide by. The last time my friend was laid off by the company without reason, I just mentioned ABC and she scolded me on the spot - who else wouldn't first scold the boss for being sick when something like this happens? Emotions themselves are never right or wrong. ABC just opens another window for you: In addition to being carried away by instinctive emotions, you can also stop and ask yourself, what makes me uncomfortable now, is it the matter itself or the filter I added to it?

Oh, by the way, if you happen to be stuck in a panic right now, you might as well take out a piece of paper and jot down three key points right now: What just happened? What's the first thought that pops into my mind? What am I feeling now? Maybe the second you write it down, you will suddenly understand.