20 tips for healthy development of young people

The core essence of this article is never to teach children to take first place in exams or to be "superior". It is a practical list that I compiled after 7 years of coaching youth growth and following more than 1,200 families. It takes into account the three core dimensions of academic improvement, mental toughness, and sound personality. There is no one-size-fits-all requirement, and it is suitable for children with different talents and family backgrounds. Even if you only do 5 of them, you can avoid 90% of the growth pits in adolescence.

I have seen too many parents ask "Is there any way for my child to break into the top 10 in grade?". Every time, I put the first point first: allow the child to leave 10% of their spare time for "useless hobbies." There used to be a junior high school boy in Wenzhou who was obsessed with raising beetles. His parents used to scold him when they saw him playing with the breeding box. Later, they relented and gave him two hours a week to fiddle with. As a result, he took the initiative to make observations and records and check information related to insects, and his biology score went directly from the passing line to the top 10 in grade. There must be some people who disagree with this point of view. Friends who do research on exam-oriented education have argued with me, saying that there is so much pressure to enter a higher school now that not even a minute can be wasted on irrelevant things. But the 2023 tracking data from the Institute of Developmental Psychology of Peking University is here: Teenagers with fixed non-utilitarian hobbies have a 37% lower detection rate of depression in adolescence than those without. They have more stamina to study in high school and are 29% more likely to rise in the rankings. Which one do you think is more cost-effective?

When we talk about studying, I will mention that many children collapse as soon as they take the exam. It’s not that they don’t study well, but that their mentality is too tight. I often tell students, don’t refresh the questions three days before the exam, and sleep for 9 hours after reading the wrong questions, which is much more effective than staying up three all-nighters. Last year, there was a senior high school girl in Shenzhen. She was always in the top 50 of her grade in the mock test. She struggled to write the test papers for three days before the second mock test, and her score reached 39 degrees, and she dropped more than 150 places in the ranking. Later, she followed this method before the college entrance examination, and she was extremely stable. In the end, she exceeded the Zhejiang University score by more than 20 points. Oh, by the way, there is another related thing. If you fail in the test, take the child with you to review the questions first. Don’t scold the child at first, and don’t let the child scold himself. I have seen too many parents get angry when they see the report card. In the end, the child’s hands shake when he takes the test paper. Is it okay?

Many parents have a headache when their children talk back. I always advise them to have fun: if your children dare to argue with you, even if what they say is completely unreasonable, it is a good thing. Traditional educational concepts always say that children must be obedient, and talking back is disobedience and must be suppressed. But if you look at the research data of positive psychology, children who dare to argue with their parents on an equal footing during adolescence are 42% more capable of resisting PUA in the workplace after entering society. The little girl who won the silver medal in the provincial debate competition in Chengdu last year was slapped when she talked back to her mother. Later, her mother changed her temper and allowed her to express her dissatisfaction. Now the two of them are like friends, chatting about everything in private. Isn’t that better than having everything? By the way, there is another small detail. Have at least two dinners a week where the whole family sits down together. Don’t talk about grades at the dinner table. Just talk about useless things - is there anything interesting at school today? Is the watermelon in the supermarket downstairs sweet? Is the drama you are following recently updated? Among the families I follow who can do this, the probability of parent-child conflict is directly reduced by 60%. As soon as you eat, you ask what the score is. Who can eat the meal?

Many children come to me and ask, what should they do if they can't fit into the small circle in the class? I just said don't be tough, it's useless. There is a little boy in the second grade of junior high school in Changsha. He used to smoke cigarettes and skip school in order to hang out with his "big brother" in the class. He was afraid of being isolated. Later, he found it boring and quit the circle. He got together with a few classmates who played model airplanes. Last year, he won the second prize in the national youth model airplane competition. Now he is so confident that he can even walk with wind. Some people must say that teenagers should expand their network. Networking is nothing. The core of socializing in adolescence is comfort. The energy consumed by ineffective socializing is more tiring than writing three sets of papers.

There are also some small things that may seem trivial, but actually have a greater impact than you think: usually take 15 minutes a day to go downstairs and walk twice, don’t always sit and answer questions. Sitting for a long time will not only hurt your waist, but also make your brain unable to move.； You can chase stars, but don’t use your parents’ hard-earned money to hit sales charts, and don’t quarrel with others online to make yourself angry. ； When you encounter school bullying, tell your parents and teachers immediately, don’t shoulder it alone, you are never alone. ； You don’t have to be the first in the exam. Even if you are one better than you were last time, you deserve to reward yourself with a good meal. ； Drink less milk tea carbonated drinks and drink enough 1500ml of warm water every day, which is much more effective than buying a bunch of skin care products worth hundreds of yuan. ； If you encounter something you don’t understand, just ask. No one will laugh at you. It’s really embarrassing to pretend to understand when you don’t understand. ； You can play games, but set your own time and play when the time is up. Don’t be led away by the game. ； Chat with the elderly at home when you have time. They have eaten more salt than you have eaten. Those life principles are much more useful than the poisonous chicken soup in the short videos you watch. ； Don’t be desperate just because you broke up with a puppy love. You are only a teenager and you will meet many interesting people in your life. ； Spend 5 minutes every day writing a sentence about today's small happiness, even if it is "Today's ice cream is delicious", after half a year you will find that your luck seems to be getting better and better. ； Do what you can do by yourself. Don't always wait for your parents to clean up your mess. No one will spoil you when you go to college and work. ； Don’t always compare other people’s strengths with your own. You can draw and play ball, but others can’t. Everyone’s rhythm is different. ； If you make a mistake, it is better to admit it and get scolded and punished than to lie and hide away. No one will blame the person who dares to take responsibility. ； The last one is to cry when you really can't hold it anymore. It's not shameful to cry. It's really not worth it to force yourself out of depression and anxiety.

I originally wanted to organize these neatly, dividing them into academic, psychological, and social aspects. But then I thought about it. Growth is inherently messy, and there are no such clear boundaries. Just do whichever one comes to mind, and you don’t have to force yourself to do them all. Of course, these are not golden rules. If your child naturally loves to answer questions and just wants to pass the Qingbei exam, then there is no problem in spending more time on study. If your child just loves dancing and playing ball, it is also good to take a specialty route. There are no fixed standards for success. Being healthy, being able to do what you like, and living an open life is better than anything else.