Mental health, sound personality

I stay calm in good times and don't get discouraged in adversity. I can quickly return to my position even if I am afraid of emotional fluctuations. I don't need to distort my cognition or hurt others to gain inner balance.

In the past two years, when I was working as a psychological volunteer in a university, I met two students with very different contrasts: one was the top student in her grade who won the national award every year. Because her roommate joked that she "can't find a partner even after working so hard," she hid in the consultation room and cried for three hours, repeatedly asking "Am I really bad?" No matter how many awards she won, she couldn't fill the hole of self-denial in her heart.； Another student who failed three subjects in his freshman year happily brought meals to his roommate before taking the make-up exam, saying, "If you don't study well this time, come back next time. You can't live just because you failed a subject." Even though he is "not good enough" in the eyes of many people, you feel comfortable when you stay with him. He doesn't consume himself or others.

Regarding this question, different schools of psychology actually have different emphasis, and there is no unified standard answer. Freud, the ancestor of psychoanalysis, believed that health means "being able to love and work": the ability to establish intimate relationships without tension, and the ability to gain a sense of accomplishment in the process of creating value. There is no need to attack others to gain a sense of existence, and there is no need to please others to gain a sense of identity. The humanistic Rogers values ​​"self-coordination" more: your understanding of yourself and your actual experience are unified. You know that you are an ordinary person who makes mistakes. Even if you screw up a project and are scolded, you will not directly deny that "I am a waste". At most, you will feel that "I did not do it well this time." When it comes to the popular positive psychology, Seligman puts more emphasis on "psychological flexibility". To put it bluntly, you can retract the rubber band even if it is stretched out. When you encounter big difficulties such as layoffs and love breakups, you may squat on the ground and cry for two days, but after crying, you can still get up and submit your resume, eat hot pot with friends, and it will not break when you fall.

Don't tell me, many people have a huge misunderstanding about this matter, thinking that "mental health means always being happy, not even emo". A 30-year-old Internet operator who visited me before went home and cried all night when the project failed. When he came for consultation the next day, he was very embarrassed and said, "Am I too unprofessional?" I can’t help but cry over this. Is there a psychological problem?” I laughed at the time. People with sound personalities are not emotionless robots. Of course you will be sad when bad things happen. The only difference is whether you let this emotion drag you into the mud. After she cried, she asked the team to do a review the next day. She did not pass all the responsibility to her subordinates, nor did she blame herself for her mistakes for half a month. This is actually much healthier than many people. The "China National Mental Health Development Report" also mentioned that more than 80% of ordinary people are in "sub-mental health". Most of them have normal mood swings and are not mental illnesses. There is really no need to blame "I have a personality problem" with a little negative emotion.

In the past few years when I have been doing psychological science popularization, the question I have been asked the most is, “I am a bit socially anxious, am I mentally unhealthy?” ”“I sometimes feel jealous of my friends. Am I too small-minded? ”In fact, it is not so serious. These are normal reactions engraved in human nature. The core is how you deal with these thoughts: you are socially anxious, but you can still bite the bullet when you encounter things that need to be communicated. If you don’t completely hide at home and dare not go out, then there will be no problem. ； If you are jealous of a friend who earns more than you, but you are sincerely happy for her and turn around and work hard yourself instead of hoping that one day she will be unlucky, this is not considered "evil-minded." Let’s talk about the most realistic judgment criteria. When you lie down in bed at night and sleep, you don’t have any regrets that make you toss and turn over anything, and you don’t hate anyone so much that you want to die together. If you can handle things when you encounter them, and you dare to let go and enjoy good things when you encounter them, you are qualified.

I met Uncle Zhang who plays erhu in the park downstairs. He only has a pension of more than 3,000 yuan. His wife has been gone for several years and he lives alone. He goes to the park to play erhu for two hours every afternoon. When it rains, he goes home to cook a bowl of noodles. He also brings ham sausages to the stray cats in the community. He said, "I have never made a lot of money in my life, nor have I ever been a high official, but I have never harmed anyone and I sleep soundly every day." You see, this is the simplest form of "mental health and a sound personality." Of course, some people say that with so much pressure in society now, who hasn’t had any emotional problems? Isn’t it too harsh to require “sound personality”? In fact, it never requires you to get a perfect score of 100 points, but a passing score of 60 points is enough: you will occasionally quarrel with your family, you will also feel guilty when fishing, and you will curse in your heart when you meet an idiot. These are not a big deal. As long as you don't get stuck in your emotions all the time, you are better than most people.

To put it bluntly, there are really not so many mysterious standards in this matter, and there is no need to go through the results of some personality test one by one. If you can accept your own imperfections and the unfairness of the world, and don't compete with yourself or argue with others, you are already on this path.